you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
