just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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