Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
