You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
