everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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