I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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