I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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