Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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