a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
