i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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