I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
