is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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