we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
