She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We had sex on a dog bed..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
