somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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