I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize