Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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