God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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