It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
