Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
