The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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