Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
