Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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