I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Dear god my vagina.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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