so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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