I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
