Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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