people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize