I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
