if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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