At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need to calm my uterus...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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