If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
