when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
