my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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