dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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