I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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