It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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