It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
