remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
