PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
