i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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