Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
