I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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