I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
