I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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