Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
