a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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