Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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