This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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