Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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