i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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