Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
