Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
