She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
