Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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