we're chasing vodka with high fives
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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