Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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