guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
