tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
