life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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