Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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