I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
