his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize