don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
