I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
