I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
