HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
